November 1st Bennett's Curse

The night started with me showing up at Jayden’s home. We spent a few minutes there as we watched a video review of the haunted house we were about to endure. While he was changing into warmer clothes, I suddenly realized that I was possibly going to be terrified. I was used to going through these haunted excursions with people my age so I didn’t have to be the “strong” one. Now, it was time for me to man up and be strong for the little one.

As we are driving up to the haunted house, we end up on this windy road that led to the middle of nowhere. This was the perfect set up for a place that sole purpose was to freak you out immensely. I must say it was really neat inside. There were three stages. The first stage was in the dark and all our group of six were provided was a flashlight. While walking through it, we would be spooked by zombies and vampires. At times, Jayden would get so frightened that he would use me as a human shield and put me in between the demon and himself. Honestly, I don’t know what I even did to him, I meant I mentor him for Christ sake and he puts me in harm’s way? That’s pretty disloyal.

The next stage was when we were provided 3D glasses and they had everything lit up in black lights and clowns took over the area. It was fun, but very trippy. Highly recommended. The final stage was when they took our 3D glasses and then our group’s flashlight. We enter the next stage and it’s completely dark where we have to feel our way around to get out of there. That was an intense few minutes. We did see light at the end of the tunnel, but to play to the theme, it wasn’t a regular light, it was a strobe light. We were trapped in a prison with bars everywhere and loose mental patients screaming. It was a nightmare. We finally found our way out, only to be hunted down by men with chainsaws. Jayden was trapped and was forced to use his foot work (from football) to escape their wrath.

We were emotionally exhausted but physically hungry. We needed to grab some dinner so we utilized our available budget and went to Chic Fil-a. I ended up seeing my roommate’s son’s girlfriend there. We sat down and enjoyed a nice meal and I brought him home. It was a successful trip.

Wrestling Practice 10/28/2013

After getting a little taste of his wrestling abilities last time, I decided that it would be great to see him in action again. This practice was marked the last practice for the Orange Crush program. So it was bit less drills and a bit more “live” action. They started off playing some practice game called “dead ant” where you have to pull your opposing team members out of this giant circle. That seemed fun for Jayden as he felt free to express himself by screaming at the top of his lungs as his opponents dragged him across the mats.

After that, he was able to show off his wrestling skills in groups of five. This is one-on-one matches and then the winner would take on the next opponent. Generally, these wrestlers were different shapes and sizes and had different wrestling styles. Jayden was not only the biggest in size, but also the most experienced and possibly the oldest in this group of five, so it was nice to see how he addressed each challenger. Once he stepped onto the mat he minimal trouble pinning each of his opponents three to four times. This is credited a larger part to his strength and attributes, but I’d also like to point out his technique. I’m not a wrestler and probably know nothing about it, but I did like his approach. He took more of a passive/defensive approach and allowed his opponents to make the first move for him to then counter properly and dominate. He kept his focus on the opponents’ hips and watched which direction they were moving. He didn’t utilize any leg tactics in his matches, but that was merely due to lack of necessity.

To conclude the practice, the coach sat the athletes down and provided an inspirational speech and advising them to continue to practice and focus on not only wrestling but the other important things in life.

His first tournament or set of matches is on 11/18/2013, so I might be able to attend that and see him in action.

No smoothies this time around.

Wrestling Practice 10/14/2013

We were going to hang out on Sunday and watch football, but since Jayden was spending time with his dad at a football party, we decided that Monday would be better. I arrived at his apartment at around 6pm and we caught up on that Friday’s WWE Smackdown for a bit. Then we ventured off to Oakland Mills High School so I could watch him at his wrestling practice.

This was an interesting session because the class consists of about forty boys at different age and weight levels. They would tussle for a bit then the coaches and trainers would show some more moves for them to practice. This went on for the almost the full hour of practice. During this time, Jayden was partnered with a kid that was three years younger than him. He decided to assist him and coach him. While this was an admirable quality, it wasn’t so productive for him because he wasn’t focusing on sharpening his skills so much as assisting someone that lacks a lot of skills (due to inexperience).

The practice ended with a brief “Live” session which is where the kids can freestyle and wrestle. It was at this time where Jayden was able to flaunt his abilities and run his mouth a bit. He even shoved a kid to the ground. I was impressed to see that he was using a bit of legs in his sparring which helped put his opponent to the ground.

While there, Jayden introduced me to his Aunt Tyra. She was nice and she was there picking up his cousin, who I didn’t meet. After the practice we went out to get some smoothies as a post-game snack. He really enjoyed the smoothie he got (the Hulk minus the weight gain additive).

Maryland vs. West Virginia game at M & T Bank Stadium

It was a race against the clock to get Jayden to the game in time for kick off. We had to make a pit stop at the Tropical Smoothie Café so we could enjoy some treats on the way to the game. We arrived at the parking lot with about 20 minutes to spare but we needed to walk a little over a mile to get to the stadium. I used the Parkwhiz to buy set parking in the nearby parking garage for $15.00 which would have been more at the stadium. We avoided the rain for the most part on the walk in listening to all of the amped up WVU fans drinking and chanting “The Terps have the Herp.”

When we got to the stadium we were led to the club section behind a pair of closed doors. This was both of our first times in the M & T Bank Stadium and the first times for us being in a club section. They had restaurants and bars and couches for people to escape the outside and enjoy the warmth and dryness. We sat in our seats (or at least our section) and we saw other Bigs and Littles there watching the game. It was nice to see people taking advantage of the seats. However, not before long it started to rain heavily. So we naturally moved seats more under the concrete awning.

The game itself was not much of an exciting game. The Maryland Terrapins had no trouble beating up the Mountaineers 38-0. It was not a game that kept our interest, but it was nice nonetheless. We picked up pretzels for a snack to hold us over until the end of the game. We avoided the game the whole game, but then couldn’t hide from the fierce rain walking back to the car. We ended up making great time and headed back to Columbia for dinner. We went to Chik-fil-a and then I took him home.

It was a great chance for him to experience a live football game, but like me, he was slightly bored. Also, we didn’t make it in time for opening kickoff and since we walked around the stadium during halftime, we ended up missing the second half opening kickoff as well.

Bumper Bowling

AMF Bowling 8/24/2013

After not seeing each other for a little over three weeks, we went a couple of rounds of bumper bowling. We had enjoyed a few battles on the Kinect Sports where bowling was a sport. He would usually blow me out of the room. So I thought it would smart to challenge each other on the “big boy” lanes. We decided that we would eat after the activity so before I picked him to go to, I had been holding a delightfully refreshing Health Nut Smoothie from the Tropical Smoothie Café. He was less than pleased, but I told him I’d take him next time. We headed out to Pikesville to the AMF Bowling alley as we are allowed two free games a person being a part of BBBS. All we had to do is pay for the shoe rental. There was a slight issue because they didn’t take credit cards, so I had to use the ATM there and accept the fees. Nonetheless, we each bowled and didn’t do very well in the first game. He bowled a 74 and I bowled a 117. However, there was slight improvement in the second game as he got a few spares and landed on 101 and I had three strikes and ended up with 128.

On the plus side, unrelated to showing off our terrible bumper bowling abilities, Jayden showed signs of maturation. He was allotted $15.00 for spending today and he spent five on renting the shoes. He was told he could get a snack at the bowling alley, so he decided to get mozzarella sticks along with a Gatorade. Adding those two items together was going to bring him really close to his budget. After purchasing the Gatorade, before he opened it, he started rationalizing his decision. He realized that he was only left with a small amount of money and that maybe he didn’t need to spend the $2.59 on the Gatorade after all. After coming to his decision, he decided he would go ahead and return the Gatorade and keep the extra money. He enjoyed his mozzarella sticks and then he remembered that the cashier gave him $2.60 back. He thought about it and added up his money and noticed that the cashier gave him back an extra penny. He tried giving it back to the cashier but he was told he didn’t owe him any money back. After J-Fresh returned, I explained how the whole take-a-penny, leave-a-penny thing worked and I think he was okay with it.

On the ride home he was telling me how he had Gatorade at home and that he didn’t need to buy one out. I told him that he made a rational and responsible decision and really put thought into his purchases. I was proud of him because he wasn’t spending money freely like he did with the movies and that shows me that he recognized what he was doing. He is a very smart kid and that makes me happy. He still is terrible at bowling…

The Wolverine 8/2/2013

Today was an easy hang as I was going to be away for a few weekends in a row. I thought we would squeeze in a quick meeting. Since we are both fans of super hero movies (for the most part) I thought we’d enjoy Hugh Jackman’s latest installment as Logan in The Wolverine. Of course before we went to the movies, it was important to eat dinner first. I decided that we would go to Subway because it was quick, easy, and provided healthy options. It turns out Jayden was able to discover to make Subway a not so healthy selection as he added bacon and extra cheese and threw three cookies into the mix. Nonetheless, we had a nice dinner (fast, but nice). Time was of the essence as we rushed from the restaurant to the movie theater. We purchased the tickets and then went on the snack line as Jayden proceeded to order nachos and cheese, Snickers bites, and a medium Icee. We walked into the theater while the previews were still playing so we had not missed a beat. The night was a success and all that was left was to enjoy the three-blade healer slay through bad guys.

Although it was fun and easy, this particular meeting raised my awareness on a couple of issues. The first being that Jayden is not necessarily eating healthy when he is with me. His mother, Christy, allows him to have a cheat day if she knows about it in advance, but I don’t completely want him to believe he’s on vacation while he’s with me. It seems he gets a lot of enjoyment out of eating unhealthy foods due to his celebratory comments “this is the best day” “yes, I can get whatever I want.” So I feel that although we’re supposed to focus on having fun, I should guide him on a healthier path and show him that healthy foods can be fun too. I feel if I don’t make an effort in that regard that I would be letting him and his mother down.

The second issue is budgeting his money. He spent well over the $25.00 that he was permitted by his mother. While I had no real issue spotting him the remaining balance, I shouldn’t continue to allow him to go on a spending frenzy. He should learn to utilize the money that he was given and make decisions on what he is spending his money on. Being 11 years old, he is at the age where learning these tools are harmless and very educational. Again, this isn’t really his fault as he doesn’t completely realize that money isn’t expendable because he is still a kid, but incorporating the word “no” in our time together can really benefit him and teach him those boundaries.

Earthtreks - Rock Climbing

7/28/2013 was Jayden and my fifth event. This one was a BBBS organized event with BB&T bank. It was an event for rock climbing at Earthtreks in Timonium. They had rock climbing for two hours along with hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, cupcakes, and candy. Unfortunately, they didn’t have veggie burgers for those who don’t eat meat.

I showed up at Jayden’s place at around 4:15pm as we hung out and played video games for a couple of hours before heading to the event. We left on time and arrived on time. However, silly me, I didn’t have the proper paperwork for us to be able to rock climb. Luckily, we were able to have the form filled out online by his mother Christy so we could both start the climb. This was a fun experience. Although you have support from someone holding the other end of the rope, you still have to work your way up the wall. It’s kind of like chess in that you have to plan out your next move strategically so you can have your feet planted on the proper holds and your hands are resting on a hold with a nice grip for support.

Although it was exhausting physically, both of us were able to climb three walls each. Jayden had struggled on one wall because his feet were too big for him to get strong support on the holds. There was another wall that he was struggling with, but with internal encouragement (the voice inside his head) kept pushing him to go further. He reached the top on all three walls successfully and it was really neat to see. I was also able to climb the walls successfully, but only struggled on one wall because it was difficult finding the best holds. Luckily the anchor man below was helping me with guiding my feet and arms, letting me know where they were (it’s hard to notice them sometimes when you are exhausting your energy and are worried about falling).

The Maryland Science Center

 The Maryland Science Center would mark the fourth hang out between me and Jayden. It was a hot day, but a good day nonetheless. After my gym session I wanted to go to get a protein smoothie, so I called up J-Fresh and asked if he wanted to a smoothie before we headed to the science center. He agreed so we went to the Tropical Smoothie Café and I ordered the “Lean Machine” and he ordered the “Chocolate Chiller.” We then headed into the city sipping our delicious treats we thought we found parking in the Federal Hill neighborhood, but then realized that it was permit parking only… So we headed to the parking garage at the Hyatt. We took the cross bridge over light street and headed to the harbor side and walked to the museum.

We lucked out because the tickets we received from BBBS included a 3D IMAX showing of Born to be Wild, narrated by Morgan Freeman. It was actually really enjoyable for me and even educational. For Jayden, he was less than intrigued but hung on until the end. We then checked out the Body Exhibit and played a bunch of little interactive games to learn more about the body. This seemed a bit more informative and fun for him as I felt the same way. They also had a section about Blue Crabs and other animal species. The odd thing about the museum is that it had a Sherlock Holmes exhibit which didn’t seem to mesh well with the rest of it. Ultimately, it was a good place to visit even though neither one of us will need to attend the science center for a long time.

Our adventure had one final stop and that was Cheeburger Cheeburger. He had never been there before but noticed it when we went for Fro-yo a different time. Walked in there and noticed the wall of fame. The sign said “Kids 12 and under who eat a half pound burger get their picture on the wall.” I figured this was a no brainer for J-Fresh. We sat down, he ordered the half pounder with bacon, onions, and cheddar. I ordered the semi-serious turkey burger with lettuce, bleu cheese crumbles, and coleslaw. We shared a basket of fries as well. The challenge was simple for Jayden as he demolished the burger. He celebrated with an Oreo Sundae. He got his picture taken and we then left.

On the way home we discussed future plans and what we liked about our adventures thus far. Stay tuned for our next activity.

My Night with Jayden

June 13, 2013 “this is the best day. I’ve said this maybe about 10 times, but it’s the best day.” That is what my Little brother Jayden said as we kept this hang out casual. A night in with bacon and onion pizza and buffalo bites while playing three intense rounds of Xbox Kinect. J-Fresh was even more ecstatic when his mother, Christy, brought home the new iPhone as a surprise for him graduating from elementary school. The night continued with a quick trip to Yogi Castle for some fro-yo where Jayden loaded up on cookies n’ cream and Oreos and brownie bites. I went with the usual cake batter and cheesecake with butter finger crumbs and cheesecake bites. We returned home to watch some of the Spurs/Heat game 4 of the NBA Finals as we continued to dive in to our bowls of joy.

This marked our third hang out where we have gotten to enjoy each other’s company. I hope the next hang out brings us even closer. So far this experience has been pleasant and I know it will continue this way. Now that he is newly accustomed to Facetime, I’m sure we’ll be connecting a lot more.

Monster Mini Golf

     After cycling through the many options (Baltimore National Aquarium, Maryland Science Center, and two different movies Fast and Furious 6 and Star Trek: Into the Darkness), decided that playing Monster Mini Golf would be the best option for this weekend. Upon arrival, I spent some time with Jayden in his home playing him in a WWE video game. We played a few matches. The first being a six person ladder match that Jayden became victorious after rigorous battles with ladders and suplexes. That first match was to "test my skills" as he says, so we played two more matches that tag-team. We played on the same team and won both of them without too much struggle.

     That was just the appetizer of our time together. We then ventured off to the main entree that was mini golf. We had each been there at least once awhile ago. He was very excited to see how cool his shoes looked under the black lights. It was crowded there for a Saturday afternoon as there was a birthday party. I didn't think to pick up a scorecard for us so I decided that we would play match play and tally up the number of holes we win. We each had our strong holes and we tied on eight of them. I ended up defeating him 5-4 in the match play. He did well, although possibly taking a few extra shots (sshhhh...).

     Part three of our hang out session with the dessert. By this I mean we walked over to the Jerry's Subs and Pizza (yes, the one I worked at for two weeks). We each got eight inch subs (he got the Ultimate which had BACON and I got the chicken cheese steak) and drinks and fries combos. I wasn't feeling well so I only ate half of my sub and my fries. We had fun mixing the different sodas in the fountain.

    We arrived home and I spoke with Christy (Jayden's mom) and discussed a few ideas for the next times we hang out.

Tune in next time...

Laser Tag

     Today was the first time my Little Jayden "J-Fresh" and I hung out. We went to Shadowland Adventures and partook in a vicious bout of Laser Tag. We played two games which consisted of many 7 year old boys and a few dads. On the way to the venue, we jammed out to Michael Jackson and talked about school. Apparently, his math teacher lets his class go outside half way through the class...where was this when I was in 5th grade? Well, I don't remember who my 5th grade teacher is, so the joke is on her sorry ass. 

     Anyway, we played the first game and we were on separate teams. He tried to defeat me, but I suppose my powers and "coolness" was no match for him. I shot him 15 times and he shot me twice. So such for letting him win. Though, he should learn to understand what losing is like sooner rather than later. In my defense, this might be the only thing I beat him at... As we were in intermission awaiting our next game, Jayden realized that he lost his cell phone. We checked my car, but it wasn't in there... 

     So we head on into for round two and we were once again on separate teams. He had his chance at redemption, though both of us started off poorly as we spent most of the time searching for his phone. Well, it didn't take long as I found his cell phone and returned it to him in the heat of battle. Essentially, I sacrificed myself just to hand him his cell phone. After this game, the results were that he shot my four times and I shot him four times. 

     After the games we hung out for a bit and I bought him a cherry/blue raspberry slushy and watched him play video games. He was so into his game that he neglected his slushy and it lost a lot of it's slush :-(. However, he drank it anyway. He said it was good. 

Oh and his favorite Avenger is the Hulk. 

I don't know what our next event will be, but we'll figure out something when I talk to him next week. 

Where Go?

                 It’s been about a year since my last blog. Needless to say I have not only failed my two followers that I pay to read this, but I have also failed myself. My creative mind has slipped away and I am now closer to a droid than a free spirited individual. Even my job has my detached nuts on the wall of the supply closet in my department. At work, it’s like working with the Walking Dead where everyone’s personality has shipped to the Bermuda Triangle. I mean, unless you are talking about the weather or cheering with coworkers about it being Friday or 5pm, no one gives a shit to actually listen to what you have to say. I’m sorry but I’d rather not talk to someone about my plans for the weekend while I’m trying to avoid back-splash at the urinal. The workplace is a lonely place where you have to decide whose salad you are planning on tossing to achieve financial success. It is not a place where you can use your knowledge and creativity to flourish and develop an environment of utopia.

                Anyway, I digress. I’m just a little bit bitter as usual about where I spend the bulk of my time working for the man. The point of all of this is, that this is my first blog in about a year and I’m wondering where my thrill to write is. As I sit on my bed watching the Ottawa Senators win their way into the Stanley Cup Playoffs (congrats by the way), I draw a blank for a topic to cover. So I’m just writing this to exercise my mind.

                In conclusion (if you even made it this far) I will be posting again soon and will hopefully cover an actual topic or emotion. 

T & A in the Workplace

     There are few things the working man relies on to have fulfillment in his average day. The first is his hour-long commute to catch up on his sports radio. Even if he doesn't like sports, its good talk for the office. Every man needs a good tug, especially those in power, so touch up on your balls, pucks, and sticks! The second is that morning and afternoon cup of Joe, soda, or energy drink. Nothing keeps you more focused than a smooth and creamy stack of paperwork that just won't loosen its vice grip it has on your now swollen testicles. Entering data or reviewing documents just churns your attention to day-dreaming about having dinner with Matt LeBlanc and base jumping into the infinite black hole that is your life. The shit is depressing and caffeine jacks you up and gets you ready to make that work load your bitch. The third, and most important, is your daily encounter with the WPH, or as they should start saying in cool circles, workplace hoochie.
     Understandably there comes a time in a girl's life where the occasional exposure while sitting or leaning over occurs. Most girls are generally conscious enough to recognize this being an issue to nip it in the bud. The "WPH" has a different agenda. She is an interesting specimen because she is generally attractive and full of confidence, but still depends on the use of the bottom shelf of the refrigerator or the over arched stretch to feed her precious ego. Now guys, being who they are, will take to that look every time. It's an uncontrollable reflex that requires no defense or reasoning because it simply is a mild escape from their 9 to 5 shit show. It gives men a chance to recharge and remember what takes precedence; women and their vaginas. They work hard to make good money so they become smarter and more attractive to these sexy sirens walking around the office. The work gets done so the boss doesn't think the wiser and the women keep their confidence.
     So women keep strutting your stuff and keep us men afloat. It wouldn't hurt to bring us those caffeine drinks, perhaps kill two birds with one stone, maybe? Oh, and start watching more sports so we can have more reason to talk to you.

Don't Hate the Cheater, Hate the Game

     All right, let's get a little more intimate with one another and discuss the novel idea of cheating. No I'm not talking about being disloyal to your significant other by sleeping with your own personal mail order Belgian Waffle maker. Seriously though, a lady from Belgium making me waffles would be astounding. I wouldn't pay her, but she'd live with us and tend to the waffles. However, I digress. I'm speaking to the point of cheating in the job market. Now this has to be within reason, i.e., jobs you actually qualify for that you may just need a little boost to get through the first steps (getting to the interview).
     The problem: In today's job market it is seemingly impossible to get a job in your field unless you have the supreme luxury of sharing a urinal with someone in the company you're applying to. Knowing how they urinate or even just knowing them well enough to build a trusting relationship is the sure-fire way to get a job. Having a mediocre resume showing your skills and knowledge on the particular subject at hand is simply just for those who need reading material in the bathroom. To excerpt a touching, motivational speech from Jerry Maguire "We live in cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors." In a given location (city, state, and company) there are hundreds of qualified candidates for a limited amount of jobs. However, these candidates are all put on the back burner because the candidates with no job, life, or sexual experience get first attempt at the jobs because of their connections. This is an epidemic in our society. Sure, this works out fine if you do know someone in your particular field, but it's not common.
     The hopeless solutions: This system is now designed for average Joes to have extreme difficulty getting a job. For these people the man has generated a business called Recruiting. This is where people get paid to sell humans to companies in mass quantities. You put your resume online and it is quickly identified by these recruiters and then they throw your resume (along with 23048 others) onto an already steep pile of resumes. Now, the "hopeful" part of this is that recruiting companies work closely with specific clients and ask the recruiters to send over a few candidates' resumes. So logically, you're thinking 'Hey, if the recruiting company recommends me, then the company should love me.' That's all a crock of French onion (the bowl, not the cup) because the recruiters are not honest with the fact that you are nothing to them. They submit hundreds of resumes just to get a little bite so that they can make commission. They don't account for the exhausting emotional toll it takes on you or other candidates. However, this is a story for another time.
     The only possible solution: The last time I checked (I could be wrong), it's not a federal offense to completely fudge your resume. I'm not speaking of embellishing a little bit, but rather create a resume full of great jobs from fake companies. Use your friends as the contacts for these companies just in case HR decides to call on them for confirmation. I think that hiring managers want to see uniqueness in their candidates. Who wouldn't want to hire someone that has three years of experience in managing the manufacturing of pasteurized milk for Pelican Bay Farms that has the slogan "Just a Touch of Nature's Breast?" They are a small company out of Sarasota, FL but they gross $45 million a year and have profit sharing options. Perhaps human resources would be interested in the co-creator of "Poncho Villa" which specializes in light cotton ponchos to shade people with pale skin from hot summer days. They come in many different colors and have several variations of the Mexican flag. It is a company started in Waco, TX that do most of business online, but are hoping to open a store soon.
     This idea may not work on some companies that decide to perform thorough background checks, but what's the worst that can happen, you don't get hired? It places you back where you started. On the positive side, you might actually get hired (at a job within your realm of expertise) and have a chance to say "Here's my fist Corporate America, now bend over and let me check your prostate!"

Taking a Stand on the "Double-Standard"

     For anyone who knows me, I like to sit when I pee, but like to stand against my depiction of wrong. In this case I would like to tackle a tiny piece of the double-standard; in particular, my choice in alcoholic beverages. I ran into a girl at the bar the other night and she was ordering a few drinks, but her drink of choice was whiskey. Now out loud I commended her for being a "rock star" but in my head I was thinking "why the fuck would someone want to do that?" I mean sure, whiskey was popular in the old west, but that was because those mustache wearing fairies didn't know of anything else. To give a point to the women on this, those men were pretty retarded and rode horses while bouncing around on their nutsacks for a living. Women choosing shots straight up as opposed to the typical wine/vodka cranberry, makes them cool enough to hang with the big boys. It is a rite of passage to be an honorary member of the men's club.
      Continuing my point I went out the other night for a birthday party and ordered some Skinny-Ritas. Now it's bad enough that my boss (who is a woman) requested I relinquish my "man card" for not wanting to donate blood, but having the waitresses poke fun at me for my beverage choice was just unnecessary, but necessary. Sure I appreciated the attention, but not for drinking a low-calorie margarita. I mean when did drinking a so-called girly drink transform my penis into a beautiful vagina? Society makes it seem like the only thing gayer than being a balls deep taint tickler is downing fruit based drinks or being conscious of my weight when I drink. It's like being thin is some sort of heterosexual deviance and being fat is brawny and rugged. So consuming straight liquor is showing a 1 ounce shot of toughness and using additives make you less of an unshaven sperm producer? To each his own, but I think it takes more courage sipping a Strawberry Daiquiri in public than it does to drain a few shots of Wild Turkey. I'd rather spend my money on drinks I can enjoy than impress people with my lack of taste buds and sex appeal.

Open Up!

To my two fans that read this. I guess I'm just going to talk about blowjobs. To make this world a better place, people should constantly be giving and receiving blowjobs. You don't need money or health because those things fluctuate. What you need is your dick licked and sucked as often as possible. Blow your load wherever you can as well. On the floor, on the knob of your neighbors car door, or even in your mother's chicken noodle soup.

None of this matters so if you happen to receive a blowjob while on the toilet, try blowing your load at the same time as dropping your load. If successful blog about it, then contact the Guinness Book of Records. Handjobs won't work because it won't produce the same effect. Try giving blowjobs too, that will help if you have problems swallowing pills (like me). There is nothing wrong with the taste of sweet treats.

Blowjobs (giving/receiving) will relieve stress and take your mind off things. It's like yoga, only while performing the Flying Scrotum in class you can give someone a blowjob to see if they hold their balance. Then contact the Guinness Book of Records.

No one is going to read this, but I hope to find semen in my desk when I get to work tomorrow. Good job everyone. We can all release!

Did you feel a draft?

     It was Bill Vaughn that once said "Maybe the answer to the Selective Service is to start everyone off in the army and draft them for civilian life as needed." Sure he was referring to the Selective Service particularly, but who is to say this type of action doesn't take place amongst our everyday society? After drafting some ideas there are two that blew my mind.

     In the dating world, there are people strategically choose their mates based on similarities and the right characteristics and there are people who simply go with attraction. Either method can be equally successful, but often it's a game of trial and error. Seldom does one arrive at their final draft with his/her first significant other because like everything else, rough drafts will lead to the one true love. The rough drafts or exes that one encounters can build on dating experience and bedroom experience. One discovers likes and dislikes in a lover as well. Some may even consider it a really fun waiting room as the person of their dreams is still getting ready to be with them. In the end, love conquers all but hitting a few golf balls at the driving range, will only help keep a relationship below par.

     In some cases, a draft is a decision that takes deep thought and consideration, although in the occupational world, it doesn't always seem that way. Hiring managers for an employer have as much stress in filling a position as the professional candidate does attempting to be offered it. The candidate is like an actor auditioning for a part where a song and dance is necessary to woo the employer. It's assumed that the hiring manager is a nutless prick who doesn't have the courage to just say "no" to the candidate, but honestly, no one ever really knows why they aren't hired. Hiring someone is an investment and drafting the right person is imperative for the long hall.

     The word draft may have many technical definitions, but it also brings different meanings to different people. If the candidate or spouse wasn't the first choice, it only means that it was the better choice because the time was taken to make an educated selection. Whether its politics, writing, brewing, athletics, or weather related, without it, this world would be one big prototype.

Baked Goods at Work: Naughty or Nice?

I hope the expression “Food for Thought” didn’t come from a bunch of selfish ass-bags who think bringing desserts to work for coworkers is actually thoughtful. First of all, please help me fathom the understanding of why you have this urge to bring in dessert for those you work with? Do you just sit there at your desk fantasizing what our faces would look like to have cookies forced upon us? In retrospect, this is the opposite of being nice. Now we either have to eat this puke provoking baked good or we have to think of a way to decline it without hurting your precious feelings.  Some of you people are such pricks that you don’t even bake the product they just stop by a store and buy it to bring in.

Second of all, why are you wasting time baking sweet treats? Is it out of hobby or is there something you are expecting to get from this? It’s not just being genuinely nice because there’s not a request for highly caloric, artery clogging, sugary snacks. Where’s the fucking milk by the way? I will say this, it’s funny watching people quarrel with their will power about whether they should have another piece of cake or not. They usually debate for about an hour and give in only to feel disgusting afterwards.

This brings me to point number 3, after college or high school (or whenever you realized that classrooms were only good for living out sex fantasies) one falls into the routine of sitting at a desk from 9 to 5 and then relaxes when returning home. This motivating schedule doesn’t save much room for being active. So they rely on trying forty to fifty types of dieting to help them lose the weight they gained. These people cannot afford to be handed these treats, so just stop bringing them in. If niceness is what you are aiming for, it might be better to Stuff a Bus instead of stuffing people that may not even really like you. Next time, try bringing in pens or something that we'd actually use, thanks.

Love,

Mark

A Life Less Ordinary

With a new year ahead of us, which according to the Mayans could be our last, it’s important to change out of the complacency that is the daily routine.  No, I don’t mean altering who’s on top in the bedroom, although it couldn’t hurt, but trying things you normally don’t do (again, not necessarily sexual positions). It doesn’t have to be a life changing event or a complete lifestyle change. You can just try doing something new each day or even each month. For instance, try taking a new route to work one day or eating fillet mignon for breakfast. Perhaps join a dojo or volunteer at a local zoo. Whatever you decide, life is short and people spend a lot of time just going to work, watching television, and weekend grocery shopping. I’m no Joel Osteen, but I’m pretty sure we were put on this Earth to embrace life and experience things. I’m 26 years old and I feel like I’m 53. I could blame it on finances or that I now have a dog to worry about, but honestly it’s all just excuses. As mentioned, there are plenty of ways to enhance the young adult lifestyle without having to spend a lot of money or occupy a lot of your time.

We spend a lot of time envying characters in movies or rooting for athletes at a sporting event. Does that not seem odd? Who cares if Tom Brady throws a winning touchdown pass or President Bush choked on a pretzel or if all of the kids from American Pie have sex on prom night? Actually that last one was a little moral victory for all of us. Why aren’t we spending time rooting for each other to succeed and actually living out these fantasies instead of vicariously living them throw people who don’t know of our existence? I say forget them, let’s pull a Peyton Manning and cheer for the common man. Let’s make small changes to our lifestyles to eventually get us to living the dream. Instead of making our bed and lying in it, let’s change the sheets.

Grooming Their Nails Takes More Than One

He's petrified as he shivers and jars his way out of my arms. Trying to hold him steady while the steady hands of my wise lover surgically cut each one. With the continuous shaking and added squealing, I was unsure of whether to sedate him or set him free. I mean, I loved the little guy, but the latter just seemed counterproductive. After a lot of hard work, time, and extreme dedication, the mission was accomplished. I breathed in a sigh of relief as it almost seemed worth it.
There are a lot of things that dogs don't like (loud noise and rain to name a couple) and trimming toenails is no exception. You would think containing ten pound dog would be simple. Trying to convince a dog that toenail clipping is harmless is harder than convincing an arabic gentleman that airports won't search him due to racial profiling. Similar to humans, dogs are stubborn and close-minded beings with trust issues. Although studies haven't shown this information, it's a pretty good guess that canines don't get this misguided trait from their parents.
When it comes to grooming your dog's nails, there's pretty much just one rule to stick to. Once you start, there's no turning back. I guess this is just one of the many unconditions (like peeing on the carpet or chewing on your favorite pens) that keep you coming back for more puppy love. For all of you owners that treasure your dogs, but not their barking, I can totally sympathize.