My Night with Jayden

June 13, 2013 “this is the best day. I’ve said this maybe about 10 times, but it’s the best day.” That is what my Little brother Jayden said as we kept this hang out casual. A night in with bacon and onion pizza and buffalo bites while playing three intense rounds of Xbox Kinect. J-Fresh was even more ecstatic when his mother, Christy, brought home the new iPhone as a surprise for him graduating from elementary school. The night continued with a quick trip to Yogi Castle for some fro-yo where Jayden loaded up on cookies n’ cream and Oreos and brownie bites. I went with the usual cake batter and cheesecake with butter finger crumbs and cheesecake bites. We returned home to watch some of the Spurs/Heat game 4 of the NBA Finals as we continued to dive in to our bowls of joy.

This marked our third hang out where we have gotten to enjoy each other’s company. I hope the next hang out brings us even closer. So far this experience has been pleasant and I know it will continue this way. Now that he is newly accustomed to Facetime, I’m sure we’ll be connecting a lot more.

Monster Mini Golf

     After cycling through the many options (Baltimore National Aquarium, Maryland Science Center, and two different movies Fast and Furious 6 and Star Trek: Into the Darkness), decided that playing Monster Mini Golf would be the best option for this weekend. Upon arrival, I spent some time with Jayden in his home playing him in a WWE video game. We played a few matches. The first being a six person ladder match that Jayden became victorious after rigorous battles with ladders and suplexes. That first match was to "test my skills" as he says, so we played two more matches that tag-team. We played on the same team and won both of them without too much struggle.

     That was just the appetizer of our time together. We then ventured off to the main entree that was mini golf. We had each been there at least once awhile ago. He was very excited to see how cool his shoes looked under the black lights. It was crowded there for a Saturday afternoon as there was a birthday party. I didn't think to pick up a scorecard for us so I decided that we would play match play and tally up the number of holes we win. We each had our strong holes and we tied on eight of them. I ended up defeating him 5-4 in the match play. He did well, although possibly taking a few extra shots (sshhhh...).

     Part three of our hang out session with the dessert. By this I mean we walked over to the Jerry's Subs and Pizza (yes, the one I worked at for two weeks). We each got eight inch subs (he got the Ultimate which had BACON and I got the chicken cheese steak) and drinks and fries combos. I wasn't feeling well so I only ate half of my sub and my fries. We had fun mixing the different sodas in the fountain.

    We arrived home and I spoke with Christy (Jayden's mom) and discussed a few ideas for the next times we hang out.

Tune in next time...

Laser Tag

     Today was the first time my Little Jayden "J-Fresh" and I hung out. We went to Shadowland Adventures and partook in a vicious bout of Laser Tag. We played two games which consisted of many 7 year old boys and a few dads. On the way to the venue, we jammed out to Michael Jackson and talked about school. Apparently, his math teacher lets his class go outside half way through the class...where was this when I was in 5th grade? Well, I don't remember who my 5th grade teacher is, so the joke is on her sorry ass. 

     Anyway, we played the first game and we were on separate teams. He tried to defeat me, but I suppose my powers and "coolness" was no match for him. I shot him 15 times and he shot me twice. So such for letting him win. Though, he should learn to understand what losing is like sooner rather than later. In my defense, this might be the only thing I beat him at... As we were in intermission awaiting our next game, Jayden realized that he lost his cell phone. We checked my car, but it wasn't in there... 

     So we head on into for round two and we were once again on separate teams. He had his chance at redemption, though both of us started off poorly as we spent most of the time searching for his phone. Well, it didn't take long as I found his cell phone and returned it to him in the heat of battle. Essentially, I sacrificed myself just to hand him his cell phone. After this game, the results were that he shot my four times and I shot him four times. 

     After the games we hung out for a bit and I bought him a cherry/blue raspberry slushy and watched him play video games. He was so into his game that he neglected his slushy and it lost a lot of it's slush :-(. However, he drank it anyway. He said it was good. 

Oh and his favorite Avenger is the Hulk. 

I don't know what our next event will be, but we'll figure out something when I talk to him next week. 

Where Go?

                 It’s been about a year since my last blog. Needless to say I have not only failed my two followers that I pay to read this, but I have also failed myself. My creative mind has slipped away and I am now closer to a droid than a free spirited individual. Even my job has my detached nuts on the wall of the supply closet in my department. At work, it’s like working with the Walking Dead where everyone’s personality has shipped to the Bermuda Triangle. I mean, unless you are talking about the weather or cheering with coworkers about it being Friday or 5pm, no one gives a shit to actually listen to what you have to say. I’m sorry but I’d rather not talk to someone about my plans for the weekend while I’m trying to avoid back-splash at the urinal. The workplace is a lonely place where you have to decide whose salad you are planning on tossing to achieve financial success. It is not a place where you can use your knowledge and creativity to flourish and develop an environment of utopia.

                Anyway, I digress. I’m just a little bit bitter as usual about where I spend the bulk of my time working for the man. The point of all of this is, that this is my first blog in about a year and I’m wondering where my thrill to write is. As I sit on my bed watching the Ottawa Senators win their way into the Stanley Cup Playoffs (congrats by the way), I draw a blank for a topic to cover. So I’m just writing this to exercise my mind.

                In conclusion (if you even made it this far) I will be posting again soon and will hopefully cover an actual topic or emotion. 

T & A in the Workplace

     There are few things the working man relies on to have fulfillment in his average day. The first is his hour-long commute to catch up on his sports radio. Even if he doesn't like sports, its good talk for the office. Every man needs a good tug, especially those in power, so touch up on your balls, pucks, and sticks! The second is that morning and afternoon cup of Joe, soda, or energy drink. Nothing keeps you more focused than a smooth and creamy stack of paperwork that just won't loosen its vice grip it has on your now swollen testicles. Entering data or reviewing documents just churns your attention to day-dreaming about having dinner with Matt LeBlanc and base jumping into the infinite black hole that is your life. The shit is depressing and caffeine jacks you up and gets you ready to make that work load your bitch. The third, and most important, is your daily encounter with the WPH, or as they should start saying in cool circles, workplace hoochie.
     Understandably there comes a time in a girl's life where the occasional exposure while sitting or leaning over occurs. Most girls are generally conscious enough to recognize this being an issue to nip it in the bud. The "WPH" has a different agenda. She is an interesting specimen because she is generally attractive and full of confidence, but still depends on the use of the bottom shelf of the refrigerator or the over arched stretch to feed her precious ego. Now guys, being who they are, will take to that look every time. It's an uncontrollable reflex that requires no defense or reasoning because it simply is a mild escape from their 9 to 5 shit show. It gives men a chance to recharge and remember what takes precedence; women and their vaginas. They work hard to make good money so they become smarter and more attractive to these sexy sirens walking around the office. The work gets done so the boss doesn't think the wiser and the women keep their confidence.
     So women keep strutting your stuff and keep us men afloat. It wouldn't hurt to bring us those caffeine drinks, perhaps kill two birds with one stone, maybe? Oh, and start watching more sports so we can have more reason to talk to you.

Don't Hate the Cheater, Hate the Game

     All right, let's get a little more intimate with one another and discuss the novel idea of cheating. No I'm not talking about being disloyal to your significant other by sleeping with your own personal mail order Belgian Waffle maker. Seriously though, a lady from Belgium making me waffles would be astounding. I wouldn't pay her, but she'd live with us and tend to the waffles. However, I digress. I'm speaking to the point of cheating in the job market. Now this has to be within reason, i.e., jobs you actually qualify for that you may just need a little boost to get through the first steps (getting to the interview).
     The problem: In today's job market it is seemingly impossible to get a job in your field unless you have the supreme luxury of sharing a urinal with someone in the company you're applying to. Knowing how they urinate or even just knowing them well enough to build a trusting relationship is the sure-fire way to get a job. Having a mediocre resume showing your skills and knowledge on the particular subject at hand is simply just for those who need reading material in the bathroom. To excerpt a touching, motivational speech from Jerry Maguire "We live in cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors." In a given location (city, state, and company) there are hundreds of qualified candidates for a limited amount of jobs. However, these candidates are all put on the back burner because the candidates with no job, life, or sexual experience get first attempt at the jobs because of their connections. This is an epidemic in our society. Sure, this works out fine if you do know someone in your particular field, but it's not common.
     The hopeless solutions: This system is now designed for average Joes to have extreme difficulty getting a job. For these people the man has generated a business called Recruiting. This is where people get paid to sell humans to companies in mass quantities. You put your resume online and it is quickly identified by these recruiters and then they throw your resume (along with 23048 others) onto an already steep pile of resumes. Now, the "hopeful" part of this is that recruiting companies work closely with specific clients and ask the recruiters to send over a few candidates' resumes. So logically, you're thinking 'Hey, if the recruiting company recommends me, then the company should love me.' That's all a crock of French onion (the bowl, not the cup) because the recruiters are not honest with the fact that you are nothing to them. They submit hundreds of resumes just to get a little bite so that they can make commission. They don't account for the exhausting emotional toll it takes on you or other candidates. However, this is a story for another time.
     The only possible solution: The last time I checked (I could be wrong), it's not a federal offense to completely fudge your resume. I'm not speaking of embellishing a little bit, but rather create a resume full of great jobs from fake companies. Use your friends as the contacts for these companies just in case HR decides to call on them for confirmation. I think that hiring managers want to see uniqueness in their candidates. Who wouldn't want to hire someone that has three years of experience in managing the manufacturing of pasteurized milk for Pelican Bay Farms that has the slogan "Just a Touch of Nature's Breast?" They are a small company out of Sarasota, FL but they gross $45 million a year and have profit sharing options. Perhaps human resources would be interested in the co-creator of "Poncho Villa" which specializes in light cotton ponchos to shade people with pale skin from hot summer days. They come in many different colors and have several variations of the Mexican flag. It is a company started in Waco, TX that do most of business online, but are hoping to open a store soon.
     This idea may not work on some companies that decide to perform thorough background checks, but what's the worst that can happen, you don't get hired? It places you back where you started. On the positive side, you might actually get hired (at a job within your realm of expertise) and have a chance to say "Here's my fist Corporate America, now bend over and let me check your prostate!"

Taking a Stand on the "Double-Standard"

     For anyone who knows me, I like to sit when I pee, but like to stand against my depiction of wrong. In this case I would like to tackle a tiny piece of the double-standard; in particular, my choice in alcoholic beverages. I ran into a girl at the bar the other night and she was ordering a few drinks, but her drink of choice was whiskey. Now out loud I commended her for being a "rock star" but in my head I was thinking "why the fuck would someone want to do that?" I mean sure, whiskey was popular in the old west, but that was because those mustache wearing fairies didn't know of anything else. To give a point to the women on this, those men were pretty retarded and rode horses while bouncing around on their nutsacks for a living. Women choosing shots straight up as opposed to the typical wine/vodka cranberry, makes them cool enough to hang with the big boys. It is a rite of passage to be an honorary member of the men's club.
      Continuing my point I went out the other night for a birthday party and ordered some Skinny-Ritas. Now it's bad enough that my boss (who is a woman) requested I relinquish my "man card" for not wanting to donate blood, but having the waitresses poke fun at me for my beverage choice was just unnecessary, but necessary. Sure I appreciated the attention, but not for drinking a low-calorie margarita. I mean when did drinking a so-called girly drink transform my penis into a beautiful vagina? Society makes it seem like the only thing gayer than being a balls deep taint tickler is downing fruit based drinks or being conscious of my weight when I drink. It's like being thin is some sort of heterosexual deviance and being fat is brawny and rugged. So consuming straight liquor is showing a 1 ounce shot of toughness and using additives make you less of an unshaven sperm producer? To each his own, but I think it takes more courage sipping a Strawberry Daiquiri in public than it does to drain a few shots of Wild Turkey. I'd rather spend my money on drinks I can enjoy than impress people with my lack of taste buds and sex appeal.