Don't Hate the Cheater, Hate the Game

     All right, let's get a little more intimate with one another and discuss the novel idea of cheating. No I'm not talking about being disloyal to your significant other by sleeping with your own personal mail order Belgian Waffle maker. Seriously though, a lady from Belgium making me waffles would be astounding. I wouldn't pay her, but she'd live with us and tend to the waffles. However, I digress. I'm speaking to the point of cheating in the job market. Now this has to be within reason, i.e., jobs you actually qualify for that you may just need a little boost to get through the first steps (getting to the interview).
     The problem: In today's job market it is seemingly impossible to get a job in your field unless you have the supreme luxury of sharing a urinal with someone in the company you're applying to. Knowing how they urinate or even just knowing them well enough to build a trusting relationship is the sure-fire way to get a job. Having a mediocre resume showing your skills and knowledge on the particular subject at hand is simply just for those who need reading material in the bathroom. To excerpt a touching, motivational speech from Jerry Maguire "We live in cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors." In a given location (city, state, and company) there are hundreds of qualified candidates for a limited amount of jobs. However, these candidates are all put on the back burner because the candidates with no job, life, or sexual experience get first attempt at the jobs because of their connections. This is an epidemic in our society. Sure, this works out fine if you do know someone in your particular field, but it's not common.
     The hopeless solutions: This system is now designed for average Joes to have extreme difficulty getting a job. For these people the man has generated a business called Recruiting. This is where people get paid to sell humans to companies in mass quantities. You put your resume online and it is quickly identified by these recruiters and then they throw your resume (along with 23048 others) onto an already steep pile of resumes. Now, the "hopeful" part of this is that recruiting companies work closely with specific clients and ask the recruiters to send over a few candidates' resumes. So logically, you're thinking 'Hey, if the recruiting company recommends me, then the company should love me.' That's all a crock of French onion (the bowl, not the cup) because the recruiters are not honest with the fact that you are nothing to them. They submit hundreds of resumes just to get a little bite so that they can make commission. They don't account for the exhausting emotional toll it takes on you or other candidates. However, this is a story for another time.
     The only possible solution: The last time I checked (I could be wrong), it's not a federal offense to completely fudge your resume. I'm not speaking of embellishing a little bit, but rather create a resume full of great jobs from fake companies. Use your friends as the contacts for these companies just in case HR decides to call on them for confirmation. I think that hiring managers want to see uniqueness in their candidates. Who wouldn't want to hire someone that has three years of experience in managing the manufacturing of pasteurized milk for Pelican Bay Farms that has the slogan "Just a Touch of Nature's Breast?" They are a small company out of Sarasota, FL but they gross $45 million a year and have profit sharing options. Perhaps human resources would be interested in the co-creator of "Poncho Villa" which specializes in light cotton ponchos to shade people with pale skin from hot summer days. They come in many different colors and have several variations of the Mexican flag. It is a company started in Waco, TX that do most of business online, but are hoping to open a store soon.
     This idea may not work on some companies that decide to perform thorough background checks, but what's the worst that can happen, you don't get hired? It places you back where you started. On the positive side, you might actually get hired (at a job within your realm of expertise) and have a chance to say "Here's my fist Corporate America, now bend over and let me check your prostate!"