Baked Goods at Work: Naughty or Nice?

I hope the expression “Food for Thought” didn’t come from a bunch of selfish ass-bags who think bringing desserts to work for coworkers is actually thoughtful. First of all, please help me fathom the understanding of why you have this urge to bring in dessert for those you work with? Do you just sit there at your desk fantasizing what our faces would look like to have cookies forced upon us? In retrospect, this is the opposite of being nice. Now we either have to eat this puke provoking baked good or we have to think of a way to decline it without hurting your precious feelings.  Some of you people are such pricks that you don’t even bake the product they just stop by a store and buy it to bring in.

Second of all, why are you wasting time baking sweet treats? Is it out of hobby or is there something you are expecting to get from this? It’s not just being genuinely nice because there’s not a request for highly caloric, artery clogging, sugary snacks. Where’s the fucking milk by the way? I will say this, it’s funny watching people quarrel with their will power about whether they should have another piece of cake or not. They usually debate for about an hour and give in only to feel disgusting afterwards.

This brings me to point number 3, after college or high school (or whenever you realized that classrooms were only good for living out sex fantasies) one falls into the routine of sitting at a desk from 9 to 5 and then relaxes when returning home. This motivating schedule doesn’t save much room for being active. So they rely on trying forty to fifty types of dieting to help them lose the weight they gained. These people cannot afford to be handed these treats, so just stop bringing them in. If niceness is what you are aiming for, it might be better to Stuff a Bus instead of stuffing people that may not even really like you. Next time, try bringing in pens or something that we'd actually use, thanks.

Love,

Mark

A Life Less Ordinary

With a new year ahead of us, which according to the Mayans could be our last, it’s important to change out of the complacency that is the daily routine.  No, I don’t mean altering who’s on top in the bedroom, although it couldn’t hurt, but trying things you normally don’t do (again, not necessarily sexual positions). It doesn’t have to be a life changing event or a complete lifestyle change. You can just try doing something new each day or even each month. For instance, try taking a new route to work one day or eating fillet mignon for breakfast. Perhaps join a dojo or volunteer at a local zoo. Whatever you decide, life is short and people spend a lot of time just going to work, watching television, and weekend grocery shopping. I’m no Joel Osteen, but I’m pretty sure we were put on this Earth to embrace life and experience things. I’m 26 years old and I feel like I’m 53. I could blame it on finances or that I now have a dog to worry about, but honestly it’s all just excuses. As mentioned, there are plenty of ways to enhance the young adult lifestyle without having to spend a lot of money or occupy a lot of your time.

We spend a lot of time envying characters in movies or rooting for athletes at a sporting event. Does that not seem odd? Who cares if Tom Brady throws a winning touchdown pass or President Bush choked on a pretzel or if all of the kids from American Pie have sex on prom night? Actually that last one was a little moral victory for all of us. Why aren’t we spending time rooting for each other to succeed and actually living out these fantasies instead of vicariously living them throw people who don’t know of our existence? I say forget them, let’s pull a Peyton Manning and cheer for the common man. Let’s make small changes to our lifestyles to eventually get us to living the dream. Instead of making our bed and lying in it, let’s change the sheets.

Grooming Their Nails Takes More Than One

He's petrified as he shivers and jars his way out of my arms. Trying to hold him steady while the steady hands of my wise lover surgically cut each one. With the continuous shaking and added squealing, I was unsure of whether to sedate him or set him free. I mean, I loved the little guy, but the latter just seemed counterproductive. After a lot of hard work, time, and extreme dedication, the mission was accomplished. I breathed in a sigh of relief as it almost seemed worth it.
There are a lot of things that dogs don't like (loud noise and rain to name a couple) and trimming toenails is no exception. You would think containing ten pound dog would be simple. Trying to convince a dog that toenail clipping is harmless is harder than convincing an arabic gentleman that airports won't search him due to racial profiling. Similar to humans, dogs are stubborn and close-minded beings with trust issues. Although studies haven't shown this information, it's a pretty good guess that canines don't get this misguided trait from their parents.
When it comes to grooming your dog's nails, there's pretty much just one rule to stick to. Once you start, there's no turning back. I guess this is just one of the many unconditions (like peeing on the carpet or chewing on your favorite pens) that keep you coming back for more puppy love. For all of you owners that treasure your dogs, but not their barking, I can totally sympathize.