T & A in the Workplace

     There are few things the working man relies on to have fulfillment in his average day. The first is his hour-long commute to catch up on his sports radio. Even if he doesn't like sports, its good talk for the office. Every man needs a good tug, especially those in power, so touch up on your balls, pucks, and sticks! The second is that morning and afternoon cup of Joe, soda, or energy drink. Nothing keeps you more focused than a smooth and creamy stack of paperwork that just won't loosen its vice grip it has on your now swollen testicles. Entering data or reviewing documents just churns your attention to day-dreaming about having dinner with Matt LeBlanc and base jumping into the infinite black hole that is your life. The shit is depressing and caffeine jacks you up and gets you ready to make that work load your bitch. The third, and most important, is your daily encounter with the WPH, or as they should start saying in cool circles, workplace hoochie.
     Understandably there comes a time in a girl's life where the occasional exposure while sitting or leaning over occurs. Most girls are generally conscious enough to recognize this being an issue to nip it in the bud. The "WPH" has a different agenda. She is an interesting specimen because she is generally attractive and full of confidence, but still depends on the use of the bottom shelf of the refrigerator or the over arched stretch to feed her precious ego. Now guys, being who they are, will take to that look every time. It's an uncontrollable reflex that requires no defense or reasoning because it simply is a mild escape from their 9 to 5 shit show. It gives men a chance to recharge and remember what takes precedence; women and their vaginas. They work hard to make good money so they become smarter and more attractive to these sexy sirens walking around the office. The work gets done so the boss doesn't think the wiser and the women keep their confidence.
     So women keep strutting your stuff and keep us men afloat. It wouldn't hurt to bring us those caffeine drinks, perhaps kill two birds with one stone, maybe? Oh, and start watching more sports so we can have more reason to talk to you.

Don't Hate the Cheater, Hate the Game

     All right, let's get a little more intimate with one another and discuss the novel idea of cheating. No I'm not talking about being disloyal to your significant other by sleeping with your own personal mail order Belgian Waffle maker. Seriously though, a lady from Belgium making me waffles would be astounding. I wouldn't pay her, but she'd live with us and tend to the waffles. However, I digress. I'm speaking to the point of cheating in the job market. Now this has to be within reason, i.e., jobs you actually qualify for that you may just need a little boost to get through the first steps (getting to the interview).
     The problem: In today's job market it is seemingly impossible to get a job in your field unless you have the supreme luxury of sharing a urinal with someone in the company you're applying to. Knowing how they urinate or even just knowing them well enough to build a trusting relationship is the sure-fire way to get a job. Having a mediocre resume showing your skills and knowledge on the particular subject at hand is simply just for those who need reading material in the bathroom. To excerpt a touching, motivational speech from Jerry Maguire "We live in cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors." In a given location (city, state, and company) there are hundreds of qualified candidates for a limited amount of jobs. However, these candidates are all put on the back burner because the candidates with no job, life, or sexual experience get first attempt at the jobs because of their connections. This is an epidemic in our society. Sure, this works out fine if you do know someone in your particular field, but it's not common.
     The hopeless solutions: This system is now designed for average Joes to have extreme difficulty getting a job. For these people the man has generated a business called Recruiting. This is where people get paid to sell humans to companies in mass quantities. You put your resume online and it is quickly identified by these recruiters and then they throw your resume (along with 23048 others) onto an already steep pile of resumes. Now, the "hopeful" part of this is that recruiting companies work closely with specific clients and ask the recruiters to send over a few candidates' resumes. So logically, you're thinking 'Hey, if the recruiting company recommends me, then the company should love me.' That's all a crock of French onion (the bowl, not the cup) because the recruiters are not honest with the fact that you are nothing to them. They submit hundreds of resumes just to get a little bite so that they can make commission. They don't account for the exhausting emotional toll it takes on you or other candidates. However, this is a story for another time.
     The only possible solution: The last time I checked (I could be wrong), it's not a federal offense to completely fudge your resume. I'm not speaking of embellishing a little bit, but rather create a resume full of great jobs from fake companies. Use your friends as the contacts for these companies just in case HR decides to call on them for confirmation. I think that hiring managers want to see uniqueness in their candidates. Who wouldn't want to hire someone that has three years of experience in managing the manufacturing of pasteurized milk for Pelican Bay Farms that has the slogan "Just a Touch of Nature's Breast?" They are a small company out of Sarasota, FL but they gross $45 million a year and have profit sharing options. Perhaps human resources would be interested in the co-creator of "Poncho Villa" which specializes in light cotton ponchos to shade people with pale skin from hot summer days. They come in many different colors and have several variations of the Mexican flag. It is a company started in Waco, TX that do most of business online, but are hoping to open a store soon.
     This idea may not work on some companies that decide to perform thorough background checks, but what's the worst that can happen, you don't get hired? It places you back where you started. On the positive side, you might actually get hired (at a job within your realm of expertise) and have a chance to say "Here's my fist Corporate America, now bend over and let me check your prostate!"

Taking a Stand on the "Double-Standard"

     For anyone who knows me, I like to sit when I pee, but like to stand against my depiction of wrong. In this case I would like to tackle a tiny piece of the double-standard; in particular, my choice in alcoholic beverages. I ran into a girl at the bar the other night and she was ordering a few drinks, but her drink of choice was whiskey. Now out loud I commended her for being a "rock star" but in my head I was thinking "why the fuck would someone want to do that?" I mean sure, whiskey was popular in the old west, but that was because those mustache wearing fairies didn't know of anything else. To give a point to the women on this, those men were pretty retarded and rode horses while bouncing around on their nutsacks for a living. Women choosing shots straight up as opposed to the typical wine/vodka cranberry, makes them cool enough to hang with the big boys. It is a rite of passage to be an honorary member of the men's club.
      Continuing my point I went out the other night for a birthday party and ordered some Skinny-Ritas. Now it's bad enough that my boss (who is a woman) requested I relinquish my "man card" for not wanting to donate blood, but having the waitresses poke fun at me for my beverage choice was just unnecessary, but necessary. Sure I appreciated the attention, but not for drinking a low-calorie margarita. I mean when did drinking a so-called girly drink transform my penis into a beautiful vagina? Society makes it seem like the only thing gayer than being a balls deep taint tickler is downing fruit based drinks or being conscious of my weight when I drink. It's like being thin is some sort of heterosexual deviance and being fat is brawny and rugged. So consuming straight liquor is showing a 1 ounce shot of toughness and using additives make you less of an unshaven sperm producer? To each his own, but I think it takes more courage sipping a Strawberry Daiquiri in public than it does to drain a few shots of Wild Turkey. I'd rather spend my money on drinks I can enjoy than impress people with my lack of taste buds and sex appeal.

Open Up!

To my two fans that read this. I guess I'm just going to talk about blowjobs. To make this world a better place, people should constantly be giving and receiving blowjobs. You don't need money or health because those things fluctuate. What you need is your dick licked and sucked as often as possible. Blow your load wherever you can as well. On the floor, on the knob of your neighbors car door, or even in your mother's chicken noodle soup.

None of this matters so if you happen to receive a blowjob while on the toilet, try blowing your load at the same time as dropping your load. If successful blog about it, then contact the Guinness Book of Records. Handjobs won't work because it won't produce the same effect. Try giving blowjobs too, that will help if you have problems swallowing pills (like me). There is nothing wrong with the taste of sweet treats.

Blowjobs (giving/receiving) will relieve stress and take your mind off things. It's like yoga, only while performing the Flying Scrotum in class you can give someone a blowjob to see if they hold their balance. Then contact the Guinness Book of Records.

No one is going to read this, but I hope to find semen in my desk when I get to work tomorrow. Good job everyone. We can all release!

Did you feel a draft?

     It was Bill Vaughn that once said "Maybe the answer to the Selective Service is to start everyone off in the army and draft them for civilian life as needed." Sure he was referring to the Selective Service particularly, but who is to say this type of action doesn't take place amongst our everyday society? After drafting some ideas there are two that blew my mind.

     In the dating world, there are people strategically choose their mates based on similarities and the right characteristics and there are people who simply go with attraction. Either method can be equally successful, but often it's a game of trial and error. Seldom does one arrive at their final draft with his/her first significant other because like everything else, rough drafts will lead to the one true love. The rough drafts or exes that one encounters can build on dating experience and bedroom experience. One discovers likes and dislikes in a lover as well. Some may even consider it a really fun waiting room as the person of their dreams is still getting ready to be with them. In the end, love conquers all but hitting a few golf balls at the driving range, will only help keep a relationship below par.

     In some cases, a draft is a decision that takes deep thought and consideration, although in the occupational world, it doesn't always seem that way. Hiring managers for an employer have as much stress in filling a position as the professional candidate does attempting to be offered it. The candidate is like an actor auditioning for a part where a song and dance is necessary to woo the employer. It's assumed that the hiring manager is a nutless prick who doesn't have the courage to just say "no" to the candidate, but honestly, no one ever really knows why they aren't hired. Hiring someone is an investment and drafting the right person is imperative for the long hall.

     The word draft may have many technical definitions, but it also brings different meanings to different people. If the candidate or spouse wasn't the first choice, it only means that it was the better choice because the time was taken to make an educated selection. Whether its politics, writing, brewing, athletics, or weather related, without it, this world would be one big prototype.